WhenWhy is it thatSo rarely do I find the clue That tells me what I should do Only when it's too late to begin! "Just as I'm starting to feel like I have things under control, and enough socal life, this disruption comes in." And then I'd get sick, and be out of it for a couple days upon returning to Boston, and I'd fall behind, and I'd never quite catch up. I'm hoping that the time with FEW distractions are helping me learn to function outside a high pressure environment and to possibly begin settling into doing the right thing, and not feeling like I'd not clued in till too late. Perhaps my challenge right now is to find a way for myself when there ISNT a clear winner for my attention. I don't know if I should work on work, work on poems, read, vegitate or what. When I pretended you were my boyfriend, it was always so easy: Any and all time available with V. was my highest priority. I'd been looking to make someone the center of my universe, and it was too easy to make it be you. But things have gone on without relationships for so many years. Perhaps the message to me is to quit searching for that other person to center on, and to learn to ACCEPT that uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to invest myself in. In the morning waking up I'm postponing what I fear Is a return to the treadmill. I take an extra hour in bed, To finally psyche myself up And confront the day But by then there's so much backlog That the day is precisely the frenzy I'd dreaded. Before leaving for work I plan what to do And then get sucked into some project. I have time, right? I think I do, until the project's done THEN I remember the other thing I'd planned or committed to And the rush to catch it up begins. At work I can't remember what to do. So I start something new. Or I'm overwhelmed with Interruptions Or too many committments. The thing I planned Never gets done. I'm never satisfied That I've accomplished The most important task. Why is it that just before I'm Departing to my next obligation All the things I couldn't think of When I had time to work on them Occur to me now. Worse, Why is NOW the time I remember The few things that MUST be done Before I make my departure? In the evenings at home. I collapse, exhausted, into the easychair. By the time I've recovered some energy And remember what I was going to do It's bed time. But I've passed through being tired And into wanting to be active And accomplish what I'd just remembered. sometimes we are presented with a few little battles that we need to get right, even in the face of unclear direction. Discipline, for me, Is managing to STOP myself From doing something/anything For a few minutes Until I can remember what I planned And make a thoughtful choice of action. |
26 December 2000 (unfinished) | |
by Bill Cattey |