Strength

He said:
"You don't need to be afraid of being alone.
You're stronger than you think."

But I feel TERRIFIED of being alone.
And I don't feel strong.

Instead of strength
I have the habit
Of putting fear and pain
Out of my mind.

If I had strength
I would be able
To keep right on feeling
But remain silent.

Instead I either
    erase
    or freeze
    or run
    or blabber.

And so I am always
Unconnected.

Unconnected to myself.
Unconnected to others.
Alone.

I lack the strength
    To feel
    To make mistakes
    To connect.

When I can
    feel
    and keep moving
    at a calm pace
    talking and listening
    even in the face of:
        rejection,
        disappointent,
        misunderstanding,
        failure,
        solitude,
        and all the rest.

Then I will have strength
to withstand being alone.

To be myself by myself.


	26 September 2000
	by Bill Cattey