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Four Needs

To feel like a complete person
I seem to need four things:
An attraction to another person.
Sometimes I start to get afraid
That I really don't like anyone;
That I can't feel attraction
For another person.
Permission inside myself to feel that attraction.
Somehow I've evolved all kinds of rules
About what is and is not ok to feel inside.
Sometimes I start to disapprove and
PAF! the feeling is gone.
Comprehension by the other person.
Sometimes I want play.
Sometimes I want romance.
Sometimes I want discussion.
But I ALWAYS need the other person
To be able to make sense
Of what I say
And of which I want.
I'm slow to trust.
And always unsure
If my meanings, my desires
Are clear.
Without clear confirmation
From the other person
My attraction fades to nothing.
Permission from the other person.
With the first three needs met
I have a real connection.
Will he approve?
If not, then my own permission is at risk.
Will he say yes?
If not,
I hit a wall.

1 June 2000 (unfinished)

by Bill Cattey