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Fandom Renunciate

    one who has mastered certain skills
    to create a special experience
    for an audience.
    a group of persons
    who create an environment
    that nurtures a performance.
    a former member of an audience
    deeply affected by a performance
    who can sometimes become annoying.
I'm a fan.
And I'm rather uncomfortable about it.
Perhaps one day I'll be a performer.
But right now all I have
Is enough sense of a performance
To be deeply moved by it.
I know what it's like to be
By an enthusiastic viewer of something I have done.
Sometimes it's gratifying.
They got it!
What they heard was what I meant.
Other times it gets annoying.
I've experienced
'The drooling fan.'
The enthusiasm is nice
If there weren't quite so much of it.
If only that aspect that made
Such a big difference to that drooling fan
Was something I'd worked hard on or intended to put there.
If only they could appreciate what I value in my work.
If only they could calm down and move on.
I find fans annoying.
I don't know how other people
Can cope with them.
That's why I feel so awkward
Being such a fan of your work.
I'd much rather be a performer
And talking as an equal.
But I sure don't feel like an equal.
Thank you for treating me
More like an equal than a fan.
Everyone starts somewhere, I guess.
Even me.

28 October 2000 (unfinished) revised 20 August 2006

by Bill Cattey