Disappointment

I tend to get caught up
In how I think
Things and people should be.

I want things to be clean and simple.
I prefer people that way too.

When
    Locations
    Situations
    Interactions
Start to get messy,
I get uncomfortable.

I tend to over-idealize
Which is often
A setup for disappointment.

I don't handle disappointment well.

I have a hard time
Letting people and things
Be as they are.

When I don't understand,
When I don't feel in control,
I put massive energy
Into trying to hold things
In my idealized shape of them.

When it all springs back
To how it really is
I feel intense
Disappointment and exhaustion.

I say,
    "I feel bad."
    "I feel depressed."
    "I don't want to do anything."

Then I need to rest --
To remember:
Things are as they are
And I've tired myself out
Failing to make them otherwise.

It's not all clean and simple,
But
Actually,
Truthfully,
I do have some understanding here.
I do have some control here.

It's time to look for something
That I can enjoy
Exactly as it is
Now.


	22 July 2002
	by Bill Cattey