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I tend to get caught up
In how I think
Things and people should be.
I want things to be clean and simple.
I prefer people that way too.
Start to get messy,
I get uncomfortable.
I tend to over-idealize
Which is often
A setup for disappointment.
I don't handle disappointment well.
I have a hard time
Letting people and things
Be as they are.
When I don't understand,
When I don't feel in control,
I put massive energy
Into trying to hold things
In my idealized shape of them.
When it all springs back
To how it really is
I feel intense
Disappointment and exhaustion.
I say,
    "I feel bad."
    "I feel depressed."
    "I don't want to do anything."
Then I need to rest --
To remember:
Things are as they are
And I've tired myself out
Failing to make them otherwise.
It's not all clean and simple,
I do have some understanding here.
I do have some control here.
It's time to look for something
That I can enjoy
Exactly as it is

22 July 2002

by Bill Cattey