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I finally met your boyfriend.
At the Fetish Flea Market
In a sense, on our anniversary.
He was not what I expected.
But my reaction
Was also not what I expected.
I remember feeling sad, very sad.
I spoke some pleasantries
And beat a hasty retreat.
Not what I expected at all.
Sad and bewildered
I took stock of myself.
More excuses to idealize you:
You'd picked someone plain on the outside.
Bet he's really wonderful on the inside.
More fodder for my insecurities:
You often spoke of our age difference --
How it made you uncomfortable.
But you picked someone
Who looks older than me.
No escaping it,
In my head and in my heart
Things HAVE gone back the way they were
Before we met.
Blindsided by the truth:
I am insecure.
I need extra kindness
From outside of myself.
I am alone
In desperate need
Of a kind play-friend.

20 August 2000

by Bill Cattey