The Story of B.I had one rule:If this was to be love, I wasn't going to hurt anyone over it Especially not myself. I still have a crush on you. You gave me many firsts. You showed me I can stop being afraid: Of what I feel. And how strongly I feel it. Of what others might feel. Or how they might behave. Of being unworthy. Or just being different. This is the story. We met once at a wedding reception. I thought you were way cute Maybe even the answer to my prayers. But you were young or taken, or something. So I stepped away and erased you from memory So I'd not miss what could not be. Then we met "officially". The MIT Graduate Student Coffee House. You were still way cute. I was attracted and wanted to talk. I sort of flirted with you Telling you stories of driving naked Hoping you'd think it was a fun thing to try. You did seem intrigued. Then we started talking computers. As we got deep into conversation, Surprise! I felt like I was settling in, settling down. I felt comfortable and at home. That never happens when I talk computers. I don't know what you want with me. But I know what I want with you. Everything. I brought you back to my office And showed you some computer stuff That I'd recently got interested in. Then we went our separate ways. I hoped we'd see each other again soon. I thought about you a lot. I thought about how you were such a prize. A prize I felt unworthy of. A couple days later. Chatting on the computer. I told you About feeling unsure of myself, About my life as a cartoon character, And about my aspirations. You told me about the philosophy of "Press your Luck". "Should I press my luck?" "Yes." "I'm afraid to tell you I want you." Surprise! You want me too. The question was when? I had to meet my parents. But I'd be back Saturday For the Fetish Flea Market. I came out to my Aunt Telling her, "I think I've found someone." At the Fetish Flea Market, I introduced you to my friends As a cuddly friend. We did indeed make A cute couple. Then we went back to my place To cuddle, and what-not. At my suggestion We boil in my Jacuzzi. "I'll be right back", I said. Then I came back and poured in The whole box of tub toys. The entire surface of the water Crammed full of duckies and froggies. Squeak Squeak! Giggle Giggle! Surprise! You do like a tub full Of far too many toys. After we'd dried off Ourselves and the toys We retired for a little cuddle. Cuddle-Pounce! Actually. And tickling. And Joking. And LOTS of buttons to press To make you happy. I pressed ALL your pleasure buttons. You laid there Ear to ear grin Vibrating. I looked down at you and said "Boyfriend?" Through the haze, You looked back at me and said, "OK." And I burst into tears. It was such a surprise that Anyone so sweet and cute Would say yes. I told you how lonely I'd been And how happy you just then made me. You saw what I most feared to show anyone else How totally lonely I'd been for so long. And you weren't hurt by the strong feelings. Surprise! Everyone else seemed afraid of them. We played and slept and slept and played. You slept a lot the next day. You were so CUTE sleeping in my bed While I went about my business. Tuesday we went swing dancing. I introduced you as my boyfriend. I forgot all my steps. But I enjoyed just being with you. Wednesday was a full moon. I've always wanted to be With the one I love Under a full moon. But nobody ever said yes. I called you up. "It's a full moon. Can I come over?" Surprise! You said yes. We stood on the roof Kissing under the full moon. It was very special to me. Thursday at work I heard: In the upcoming move They want to take our offices away. That would be the end Of everything good at work. The fear of that loss Contrasted with the memory of you. One so bad and one so good Both at the same time. I thought I was gonna split in two. I called you Looking for stress relief. But you couldn't get together till Friday. The stress at work Was crushing me. But HEY! B. was not put On this earth Solely to be used As my soft landing spot. I took myself home To find my own Way to unwind. I got home And you'd left a message: Plans changed. Tonight's the night. I flew right over. When I got there, As I started to pounce, "There's something I need to tell you", you said. A twinge of fear. But HEY! You've earned my trust. "I can't be your boyfriend", you said. "You must follow your heart", I said. B. can't be my boyfriend. His previous relationship Used up his will To assess the impact Of what he does On the one he's committed to. So he didn't feel right Committing to me. If it's really love I must give him his freedom To follow his heart. I burst into tears. I am terrified That there will be No other like you; That I will lose What I found While we were together. I must put on a brave face Take responsibility For finding my way. I gathered my wits And stopped crying. "Knowing me as you do It was very brave and honest to tell me. You don't deserve To put up with me like this", I said. "It's OK. You're my friend", you said. And I burst into tears again. Eventually I settled down. We settled down. I stayed overnight anyway. And we cuddled. Nobody's ever cuddled with me Like you cuddled with me that night. We fell asleep entwined. I remember waking up a couple times. I remember you waking up a couple times too. Each and every time We cuddled in closer. How come everybody else Turns over Or turns away? I pray there are others Who by reflex Cuddle in closer Like you do. One week later I checked in. "Did you do it out of pity Or because you wanted it too?" Surprise! You wanted it too. You put aside fear That I'd get the wrong idea. We found our way together. And threaded a delicate course. Just what relationship Will we end up having? Another week passed. At the free Fruvous concert. You came late. I pounced on you with an elated hug. We stood together and listened. Those songs will always Remind me of you. But as we stood there I slowly filled with doubts. Maybe you don't want me around. I crept forward To see your face. I smiled at you. And you smiled back. BOY! That made me happy. How silly of me to doubt myself. You do welcome me. I must find a new playmate. But I haven't yet lost My playmate B. When we were boyfriends I lost interest in My planned week-long Gay naked vacation. Separated, I felt better able To make new friends there. It was a good vacation. I had a great time. But I still liked Playing with B. the best. I was missing B. Hey! You're an officer in a group That was meeting that very afternoon. I went. Afterwards we went To the steps of Killian Court We held hands and sat. I wanted you to come over. It felt weird to you. We started to fool around in the court. And then you come over anyway. We had a lovely time. By then you'd learned That I don't care Whether or not I'm your one and only. You're my special playmate. We do the things I could not do Until you came into my life. But when you mention Someone new you're interested in As a potential boyfriend I try to be the first to say "Go for it!" Our difference in age And difference in stage of life Make a big difference to you. You need for me To step away So you can find One who is just like you Who will do certain things For the first time As you do them for the first time too. I stepped away for a while But one Sunday at country dancing The place was dead. I didn't like it. I got to be feeling down. I decided to drop in on you. You were home with a chest cold. We fooled around anyway. It lifted my spirits a lot. Afterwards, I felt a little guilty about it. You were sick. I started to feel I'd been selfish, But you reassured me. Days went by. With no opportunities To play with B. Then one evening We were chatting on the computer. You mentioned a name I did not recognize. And I asked you who he is. "Er, my boyfriend", you said. "For how long?" "A week." Oh. "Congratulations!", I typed. You didn't know it But I'd burst into tears again. I'd expected this. Just not so soon. I've not found another playmate yet. I still need someone To take me out of myself. There is so much I found With B., and inside myself. Each time we've been together: So many surprises So many transformations. What you do without thinking Is just what I most want and need. I'm really afraid That I'll lose all that. Finding my way Is very important now. I must not drive myself crazy With self doubt Or fear. You've shown me That it IS possible To share a bed And a heart And a mind With a man I first thought Was too good for me. I have been learning To be less fearful, To be more open, And follow my heart -- Like B. does. My next boyfriend Will be quite a playmate. My first clue That he is right for me Will be the feeling Not that I'm unworthy Or that it's exciting. But that I'm coming home. From home Many surprises Transformations And firsts Were shown to be possible. And may be possible again. Months later B. isn't my boyfriend. But he's still my trusted friend. The stress of the office has faded. The memories of B. remain. |
| 22 January 2000 revised 14 February 2000 |
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| by Bill Cattey |