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Asymmetry Anxiety

Usually I'm the one
Who feels the attraction
And develops a crush.
It's the other person
Who feels nothing special.
Yesterday someone came to me
Very interested.
He caught me in a hungry mood.
I responded.
But later realized
I'd felt nothing special.
He maintained calm enthusiasm
But I was filled with questions.
    Asymmetry anxiety.
I'd really be more comfortable
If I felt the enthusiasm for him
He obviously felt for me.
Even my usual position
As the one with the attraction
Would be more comfortable than this.
    Reciprocation anxiety.
I fear he expects
That eventually I'll feel different
I fear that I'll always
Feel just the same.
Is this the discomfort
Others feel when I
Am the enthusiastic one?
I treated him politely
While he treated me very well.
I wanted to be
    and kind
    but not to lead him on.
When it's me who has the attraction
I'm always asking
Why don't they feel it?
How can they be so sure
They won't ever feel it?
    Enlightenment anxiety.
Well, I looked inside
And I don't feel it.
As sure as anyone can be
I don't think I'll ever feel it.
If he asked me why
Or how can I be sure
My answer has to be
I can't explain it either.
The feeling
Or lack of it
Just is.

25 August 2001

by Bill Cattey