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Ideally relationship building would be an orderly sequence:
    Meet a stranger.
    Speak a few non-committal pleasentries.
    Discover some basic commonality.
    Build a friendshp.
    Nurture trust.
    Extend into sex.
    Explore each other's sensitivities and vulnerabilities.
    Face risks and
    Together work through unpleasant surprises.
But instead,
I find a smashing together of my and the other's
Patchwork of desires
For stimulation, solace, satisfaction, and all.
I make an impulsive decision to trust someone new
After a few moments' glance into his soul.
My doubts fogged by hunger, and fantasy,
I speak.
It progresses to touch, lots of touch. Then
An orgasm
Followed by waves of internal aftershocks:
    Senses, thoughts, even fantasies are flooded with
    Second thoughts with sudden clarity:
    Self doubt,
    Questioning sufficiency of attentiveness and collaboration,
    Recognition of missed or ignored differences between me and him.
Not togetherness.
Powerful separation and fear of unpleasant surprises.
Or perhaps just irrational fears unreasonably amplified.
I pursue in good faith
The orderly progression.
But desire overwhelms and I dismiss the risk of aftershocks
Until I cum.
Regardless of whether or not he cums,
They come.

3 February 2003

by Bill Cattey