Blindsided II

When you told me today
Of how your boyfriend
Is now your ex-
I learned
Rather too much about myself
Rather too quickly:

When I fall in love
And focus
On a particular man,
I can expect to stay
Focused on him
Till I find another.

Apparently,
I don't get over someone.
I move on to the next.
If there is no next
I will stay and stay and stay.

A year ago I was energized
To face the challenge
Of living out the truth
And quitting pretending
To be your boyfriend.

You shortly thereafter
Found a boyfriend
And settled in with him.
Quite close,
Quite deep.
Separating from him
Must feel like losing a limb.
The pain must be incredible.

Today I got a shock
Blindsided again
By the realization
Of what your ex-boyfriend
Came to mean to me.

Before you met him,
I thought I was clear
With myself and with you
That our boyfriend-ship
Was to become
Platonic friendship.

How could I devolve
Into thinking of him
As an obstacle?
How selfish of me
Even for an instant
To rejoice
Over his departure.

The real reality
Is setting in
Like the pain you feel
As life returns
To a nearly frostbitten body.

Head to toe in pain.
The pain of truth,
The pain of life,
The pain of moving on.

I told you a bit of it:
"I'm sorry
My desperation for communion
Got in the way of
My being as helpful to you
As I would have ideally liked."

Boyfriends, you and him
Doesn't work for him.
Ow.

Boyfriends, me and you
Doesn't work for you.
Ow.

Truth and pain.
But we hope
To love again.


	13 January 2002
	by Bill Cattey